A Personal Dilemma

I NEVER like to write so bluntly about people I know like this but this is an interesting one. Perhaps you all have a friend like this or can relate:

Ay, we always know how I write about delusional people but there is one person in particular here in my mind. She doesn’t read this and her life is basically one large pot smoking, coke snorting, blow job giving, whiskey drinking party so as you can see she is way too busy to read this.

I guess I shouldn’t put her on blast like that but it doesn’t matter at this point. We used to be very tight because I wanted to help her and I was kind of not loving myself either when we hung out hard core. But I soon became focused about my life and cleaned up my act. No more partying 8 nights a week, getting fucked up and all that jazz. It loses its luster very quickly if you ask me and as you get older your life is supposed to get better because you are supposed to be getting smarter. Needless to say we don’t see each other much because frankly I don’t like her lifestyle. She screws a new guy, or an old fuck (recycling) at least 2- 3 times a week. She gets fucked up nightly off of any drug available and thinks that as long as she’s got money from her waitress job (2 nights a week), which by the way she keeps with her or stashed in her place, cuz she refuses to get a bank account cuz she’s afraid of the IRS coming to get her for tax evasion . . .

Anyway our last conversation consisted of her going on for 45 minutes in detail about the last guy she had sex with. Yikes, way too much info. She compares herself to Sex and the City’s Samantha and I think Samantha was a hoe, there is no way she didn’t catch anything, I just find that really hard to believe. That bitch didn’t even catch a cold. So this friend wants to hang out now and I am afraid we have absolutely nothing to talk about. I think she is an addict, I think she is throwing her life away and I think her behavior screams how she does not love herself. “You should talk to her, let her know you want to help,” is what your probably saying to yourself. I have done that. I have done it so many times. She says, “Stop judging me. I’m doing all right. I can pay my rent.” Meanwhile she is paying rent on an apt filled with 4 other people because she cannot afford the last 2 bedroom apartment she just lived in because she got fired from her 15th job in 5 years. I am not exaggerating those numbers.

I do wish I could help her but she does not help herself. I feel like, since I have known her for so long that perhaps I should push her more to get help, or even give her an ultimatum. Get help or I’m outta here. I know that she leans on me because I am one of the few people in her life that have a good head on their shoulders. She has even told me “I love you, thank you for not giving up on me. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you.” But the truth is I want to give up. I guess I sound like an awful person for saying this but if something bad happens to her, it’s her fault. I want her to be all right but you can only live so carelessly for so long before it bites you in the ass.

Sigh. . . . . I guess we need to have one last conversation.